Esrock's Top 12 Tips for India

No matter what you've read, seen or heard about India,
wherever you go, it is nothing at all like what you expect.

Buy your threads on arrival

It's not that your quick-dry, zip-on cargo pants aren't practical, it's just that you'll feel like a fireman dressed up to play doctor-doctor. Local cotton shirts and pants are not only practical (they are cool, dry quick, and very replaceable), but they're so cheap it's fun shopping for them. It's the traveller uniform of India, and makes everyone look like an enlightened, experienced hippie guru. Handy hint: Wash separately, unless you want everything you own to be as purple as your funky new hipsters. Packing only half a bag also lets you stock up on presents and cool threads when you leave.

Bring a sleep sheet and pillow case

Even some of the cleaner hotels have sheets and pillowcases so stained and grey you had to wonder when last they saw water. And even if they are clean, it's simply not fun wondering what the cause of that purple-yellow stain by your face was, or the origin of the yellowish circle on the sheet exactly where your crotch is. Bring a sleep sheet and pillow case (or buy a cheap one on arrival) and save yourself the unpleasant dreams.

Practice your patience

India is a great place to travel, providing you don't have to be anywhere. Prepare to be late, delayed, obstructed and frustrated. Even the trains, which are proudly meant to run on time, seldom do. But if you look at lateness, delay, obstruction and frustration as an authentic Indian cultural experience, then you might just start enjoying yourself. Leave hours before you have to, and on the slim chance you actually arrive early, it's much better waiting at your destination than in a traffic jam or on a stuck bus. In India, it will always take too long, taste too cold, be too hot, too bumpy, too crowded, too expensive, too far, too close, too this, too that and too damn much. Patience is more than a virtue - it will save your life. And don't even think about adhering to the Principle Factor.

Forget the Principle Factor

The Principle Factor holds that it is not the amount of money you're being ripped off , it's the fact you are being ripped off in the first place. So you'll inevitably find yourself arguing and getting all worked up over a dollar. We come from lives governed by Principle, but that life is not in India. Museums, hotels, taxis, shops, stalls, transport offices - they are designed to rape your wallet even while kissing you gently on the cheek and giving you the photograph. My strategy was to make an informed decision as to how much I thought was fair for the service, and pay or bargain for that price. Even if it is three times more than the guy at the hostel will tell you he paid yesterday. A few bucks are simply not worth the aggravation and bad energy. Of course, your adversaries know this, and that's why they try and rip you off in the first place.

Beggars and Touts

Ignore them. If they poke, be stern and wave them away. Make no eye contact or they will follow you everywhere, and call their fifty buddies. If you want to give, give to recognized charities where your money will actually help and not perpetuate their cruel cycle of life. As for touts, if you stop to enquire the price of that little plastic Taj Mahal, prepare to buy it. The very fact that you're interested means you are prepared to buy it, and the seller will practically give it to you before he leaves you alone. You'll be hounded to within one breath of violent retaliation. After bargaining, they'll plead starvation and mercy, and work on making you feel guilty. Then they'll name their lowest price, the actual fair price, and only then will you realize exactly how little the damn thing cost in the first place. Meanwhile, you've kissed an hour of your afternoon away. Of course, if you have nothing better to doä

Choose the upper bunk and use a sheet

Second Class Sleeper is the train class of choice amongst budget travellers, so don't be conned into paying double or triple the amount for first class or Second Class AC. (They're probably worth every penny, but you'll look very bourgeois to your fellow travellers.) The trains are not so bad considering occasional overcrowding and the smells you pass along the way. The upper bunk ensure the most privacy and least amount of accidental bumps in the night, plus you can ignore the beggars and transsexual priestesses doing the rounds. Without a sheet, be prepared to sweat and stick to the vinyl, which, lest I remind you, has seen its fair share of sweating and sticking, and none whatsoever of washing and cleaning.

Practice the squat, carry loo paper

You quickly learn that given the conditions of western toilets, the squat is the way you want to go. In fact, once you get used to it, you'll really appreciate how good it feels to flush your system, quickly, without reading a full chapter of your book at the same time. Of course, it's hell on the knees at first, so you may want to practice it a few times before you leave. And always carry loo paper, because not even nice restaurants will provide you with that luxury. If you feel nostalgic, it's fun to use the crapper in a five star hotel like the Taj or Intercontinental, where you'll most likely pass as a guest and be left alone in porcelain bliss. Obviously, women have the upper hand here, although I did meet one girl who used a ≥diverter≤, an interesting camping contraption that allowed her to ≥pee like a guy≤.

When visiting the Taj Mahal

The Taj Mahal is India's most spectacular tourist site, and ground zero for every scam, tout and rip-off in the country. So don't get a guide, they will cost you more than you think. Don't get a rickshaw, it's only a five minute walk from the street. Don't tell the guards you have a cellphone, calculator, MP3 Player, or anything else that are not allowed for some reason (cameras are fine, which these days, are all of the above anyway). If there is a long line up at the gate, go right and find the south gate where there will hardly be any queue. If there is still a line, walk up to the front anyway, because you're a foreigner and have just paid five times more than the Indians, so demand the special treatment (even the guards feel a bit guilty by the ≥tourist-price≤ rip-off and will let you do it). If someone offers to show you some great spots for photos, they'll want money (See #10). Also, no matter what you are told, book your trains in advance to avoid sitting with three kids on your lap.

Brush up on your Hebrew

While Hindu might be the language of India, Hebrew is the language of the travellers you'll most likely meet. There are thousands of Israelis travelling in India, and many signs and menus are in Hebrew. As travellers are often the best source of information about where to go and stay, knowing some Hebrew will help. Plus it's slightly easier to learn than Hindi, although both look like a mouse fell in a paint bucket and went for a run. Beseder!

If you think you're being ripped off, it's because you are

The reality is that most locals you encounter who earn a living related to tourism see you as a walking schmuck with a wallet. If they're nice, it's because they want money. Period. Oh, there are some swell guys out there for sure, but that's because they know you're going to pay them and recommend them to your friends. If someone offers to help you in any way, be prepared to pay for it. And if something doesn't smell right, it's a scam. Fake police, fake taxis, fake ticket offices - it's all here. Just use your common sense and don't let anyone bully you around. The four magic words (≥Let's call the police≤) seem to make even hardened scam artists back off quick. Oh, and most guesthouse owners don't know the meaning of the word hospitality, so don't count on it. When somebody goes out of their way for you expecting no reward, it's such a treat you'll want to reward them anyway. This insane concept has yet to permeate the Indian tourist industry.

Don't believe anything from anybody

Traveller's experiences are heavily influenced by who they meet at a destination, as opposed to the destination itself. It's all beautiful, but if they happened to meet someone beautiful, then the place was really, incredibly beautiful, not to mention stimulating! Just bare that in mind. A local giving you information is like playing roulette, except you have better odds winning in roulette than finding reliable information from a local. Looking for the right train time, I was told six different times from six different locals. Don't blame them, it's rude not to have an answer, whether it is right or not. Notice how your lost rickshaw driver will ask at least fifteen different people for directions (and still get lost). Ask a few people, and if the same answer comes up, that's probably right (but most likely won't be.) And guidebooks are usually out of date the moment they get printed, so don't count on that either. Find out what you need by asking as many people as you need to before you're confident you won't get stuck for seven hours at the railway station waiting for the train that left yesterday.

Not getting sick

You hear much about Delhi Belly and travellers picking up severe stomach bugs and dysentery. What you don't hear is how amazing the food is in India that makes them go back for seconds. The spices and curries are a taste sensation, but that doesn't mean you have to spend a week spilling out of all orifices. Obviously avoid tap water, and that includes ice-cubes. Eat at places that seem accustomed to westerners or have a traveller clientele. Stick to cooked vegetables, avoid uncooked food or salad. If this makes me boring, at least I am healthy and boring. Clean your hands before each meal (just like momma would say). I saw lots of travellers eat meat, but I steered clear. When I did chance it, in good, traveller-heavy restaurants, I usually got cramps. It's your decision whether meat is worth the risk. Your body does get used to the microbes that float in the tomato soup, but help it to slowly adjust and it will help you back. Most important factor, again: Wash your hands before eating. And good luck.

Delhi

October 16, 2005