The Modern Gonzo Awards

Here they are. The best (and occasional worse) of everything. The next time someone asks me, I can just point them to my website! I used strict measuring techniques to come up with the results, such as: foggy memory, feverish notes in damp notebooks, and staring for hours at chipped wood in a Fijian hotel. I have also removed the ranking order, so you can creatively arrange the lists below in the order you see fit.

In no particular categorical importance…

Best Countries

• Brazil
• Laos
• India
• Turkey
• Mongolia

Best Cities

• Tokyo
• Buenos Aires
• Istanbul
• Bangkok
• St Petersburg

Best Hostels

• Casa Club (Sao Paulo, Brazil)
• La Casa Del Deporte (Bariloche, Argentina)
• Kismet Dao (Krakow, Poland)
• Sunset Backpackers (Florianpolis, Brazil)
• Milhouse (Buenos Aires, Argentina)
• La Cupula (Copacabana, Bolivia)
• YHA (Valparaiso, Chile)

Best Restaurants

• Los Toldos Chicken (Cusco, Peru)
• J Cruz M Casino Social Museo (Valparaiso, Chile)
• El Refugio del Montanes Steak (Bariloche, Argentina)
• Restaurante a Mineira (Sao Paulo, Brazil)
• Amazon (Selcuk, Turkey)
• Rice Bowl in Arambol (Goa, India)
• Nandos (Dubai, Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia)
• D’Tandoori (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
• Kuaaina Burgers (Tokyo, Japan)
• Cafe Delhi (Bangkok, Thailand)
• Joma (Luang Prabang & Vientien, Laos)
• Boddhi Tree (Phnom Penh, Cambodia)
• Little Creatures (Perth, Australia)

Best Bars

• Mama Africas/Americas (Cusco, Peru)
• Milhouse (Buenos Aires, Argentina)
• Estrela da Lapa (Rio, Brazil)
• Prozak (Krakow, Poland)
• Havana Bar (Dhermi, Albania)
• Szimpla (Budapest, Hungary)
• Joker Bar (Tokyo, Japan)
• The Center (Bangkok, Thailand)
• Roots Rock and Reggae (Chiang Mai, Thailand)
• Bondi Beach Hotel (Sydney, Australia)
• FAQ Bar (Moscow, Russia)

5 Best Activities (Adrenaline)

• Skydiving in New Zealand
• Hanggliding over Rio, Brazil
• Volcano Boarding, Nicaragua
• Dune Buggy in Dubai
• Spelunking, Hungary

5 Best Tourist Activities (Minimal Adrenaline)

• Floating down the Mekong in VangVieng (Laos)
• Inca Trail (Peru)
• Salar de Uyuni (Bolivia)
• Angkor Wat (Cambodia)
• Skull Church (Czech Republic)

5 Best Local Drinks

• Beer Lao (Laos)
• Caprihineas (Brazil)
• Pisco Sour (Peru/Chile)
• Absinthe (Czech Republic)
• Raki (Albania)

Best Local Dishes

• Nasi Kander (Malaysia)
• Pad Thai (Thailand)
• Ceviche (Peru)
• Four Seasons Parrotfish Salad (New Caledonia)
• Baigan Bharta Eggplant Curry(India)
• Meat Pies (Australia)
• Parilla Libres Buffets (Argentina)
• Tacos (Mexico)

5 Books I Read

I wrote a full list of the books I read somewhere, but can’t find it!

A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson

History of God - Huston Smith

World According to Garp - John Irving

Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson

A Fine Balance - Rohinton Misty

Best Beaches

• Ille Des Pines (New Caledonia)
• Sihanoukville (Cambodia)
• Bondi Beach (Australia)
• Jericoacoara (Brazil)
• Pelekas Beach (Greece)
• Manuel Antonio (Costs Rica)

Best Historical Landmarks

(In order for this one)

Angkor Wat (Cambodia)

The Blue Mosque/Haiga Sofia (Istanbul, Turkey)

Macchu Picchu (Peru)

Old Town Square (Prague, Czech Republic)

Imperial Gardens (Tokyo, Japan)

Great Wall of China (China)

Taj Mahal (India)

Church of Spilled Blood (St Petersburg, Russia)

Chichen Itsa (Mexico)

Best Countries for Your Honeymoon

I’m not getting married anytime soon, but if I were, these are the places I’d look to chill out, eat well, relax to the max and of course, shag like a kangaroo in a bunny factory.

Brazil

India (Goa)

Turkey

New Caledonia

Croatia

Costa Rica

5 Countries with the Most Beautiful Women

Of course, there were beautiful women EVERYWHERE, but the proportion of head-turners to the general population in the above countries was noticeable.

Argentina

Brazil

Poland

Czech Republic

Russia

Best Night Buses

• Argentina
• Chile
• Turkey
• Australia
• New Zealand

Most Friendly People

• Albania
• Turkey
• Laos
• New Zealand
• Mongolia

Worst Taxis

As in, I got ripped off in:

Dubai

Bolivia

India

Malaysia

Peru

Worst Hangovers

The culprits know who they are…

Vangvieng, Laos

Budapest, Hungary

Melbourne, Australia

Tokyo, Japan

Buenos Aires, Argentina

Biggest High

• Saying hello

Biggest Low

• Saying goodbye

Most Common Answers to FINISH THE SENTENCE

Variations of the below. After the first few months, people could no longer answer “nothing” for their regret. That’s just copping out!

I am inspired by: People, and nature

I regret: Not traveling sooner

Today I am grateful for: Friends, family and being alive

Best Beer

• Czech Republic
• Laos
• Hungary
• Cambodia
• Peru

The Blue Seawater of Dreams

• Croatia
• Albania
• New Caledonia
• Cambodia
• Australia

Biggest Scams

• Buying a train ticket to the Taj Mahal
• Special tourist price at the Taj Mahal
• Internet Cafes in Australia and New Zealand
• Expensive restaurants in Laos
• Departure Taxes at various international airports (bend over and take it)

Best Massages

• The two-ladies on the beach for $8 (Sihanoukville, Cambodia)
• The Balinese Massage (Kuala Terrenganu, Malaysia)
• The Group Massage (Luang Prabang, Laos)
• The Bangkok Reliable (Bangkok, Thailand)
• The Not-So-Happy-Ending (Tokyo, Japan)

Best Temples

• Angkor Wat, (Cambodia)
• Luang Prabang (Laos)
• Grand Palace (Thailand)
• Meija Jingu (Japan)
• Temple of the Dalai Lama (India)

Cutest Kids in the World

Like, not in that way, you sicko…

India

Brazil

Japan

Cambodia

Mongolia

Phoenix of Sydney, Australia!

Most Prolific Travellers

• English
• Irish
• Swedish
• German
• Israeli

Weirdest Local Cuisine

• Fruit bats (New Caledonia)
• Roasted Guinea Pig (Bolivia)
• Grasshoppers and Waterbugs (Thailand)
• Deep fried spiders (Cambodia)
• The $200 melons (Japan)

Most Popular Answers When People Ask About My Accident

• A wood duck flew in my face causing me to crash into a bus
• Due to OCD, I was avoiding cracks in the road, but then I drove into one
• In a fit of road rage, I beat myself up
• Since I read JD Ballard’s Crash, I get only sexually aroused in accidents.
• An unlicensed vehicle jumped a stop street and I head flipped over its bonnet.

More categories to come, no doubt. You might disagree entirely, as it’s people that make an experience, and you are your own person. But not an island. That’s different. Although, I’ve seen some heavies that could float and probably support an international airport on their belly. Anyway, three and half hours til the plane leaves for Vancouver. Back to watching the chipped wood then.