Schnitzeled in Austria-Hungary

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There have been a few Modern Gonzo moments where I’ve gazed forth and wondered if I’m performing with one clown short of a circus. Hanggliding, rafting, biking, climbing an erupting volcanoäbut here I was, deep in the earth’s darkest caverns, covered in mud, and watching the guy in front pretzel himself through a hole just slightly bigger than the eye of a needle. I had successfully navigated the caves this far, and even managed to climb into a difficult rocky womb, but stuck in a heady moment of spelunking, I wondered if I had finally gone as low as I can go. No, that came later, when I got lost.

But first Vienna, or Wien, if you like. Last time here I was 18 years old and so drunk I didn’t leave the hotel. Mind you, it was a nice hotel with a big nudist spa, and Austrian culture has many nooks and crannies. My cheap flight from Corfu arrived in Vienna and, after a month on the beach, I thought I owed it to myself to check out St Stephens Square, a few museums, maybe the Fantastic Four. You know, culture. It was raining and a little chilly, a relief from Corfu’s sub-atomic sunshine. I could also feel the contrast of Western Europe from its Central and Eastern counterpartsäeverything was on time, everything was logical, and everything was outrageously expensive. So I cranked my iPod and wandered the streets, finding St Stephens, and exactly three more impressive churches before I got bored. Somewhere on this trip I became a thrill-seeker, and other than a gargoyle falling off its perch and nailing someone into the ground, there is little thrill in churches. Now the rain was pelting, forcing me into the Schmetterling Haus - the old palace butterfly house where the most interesting creature was a sculpture. Vienna is however, green and beautiful; a living museum to the Austro-Hungarian Empire that twice chose the wrong side in the World Wars, relegating the hapless Hapsburgs to the carcass of history. Today, the buildings are still exquisite, the statues grand, and Austrians live a fine life (my flight from Corfu on Austrian Airlines served fresh smoked salmon and cream cheese). I popped into the magnificent National Art Gallery and soaked in the Dutch Masters, vividly portraying life in the 1600’s. Crossing the manicured green, I stared for hours at thousands of animals in the Natural History Museum, captured and stuffed during the empire’s heyday. Taxidermy, a dying art. Monkeys, bears, whales, big cats, moose and elephantsäit sent me soul-crushingly in search of a massive schnitzel, which failed to disappoint. I tried to catch a symphony but Vienna’s music season shuts down for the summer, reverting to some bastard tourist version of itself. Still raining (oh sun, I’m sorry I doubted your sizzle), I had to make do with a movie - a red-hot Invisible Girl and the rest of the Fantastic Four in, yes, that’s definitely Vancouver parading as New York. At the back of my mind, I wondered if I would meet a glowing Julie Delpy and experience the romance of Vienna like she did with Ethan Hawke in the movie Before Sunrise. But it was raining and cold, and the only person I actually had a conversation with was a German named Eddie, and he liked soccer. The next morning, I jumped the train…

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