Phuk’et in Package Tourist Hell

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One night you’re out disco bowling in Laos, the next you’re on a night bus to Bangkok, and the next you’re in package tour hell. Says Ferris Bueller; “Modern Gonzo moves pretty fast. If you don’t slow down once in a while, you might miss it.” It’s a roller coaster all right, after the high of Laos, I didn’t expect the much-hyped islands of southern Thailand to cut the legs out from under me and leave me staring up the too-baggy shorts of a sunburned, drunken Australian. However you pronounce Phuket (the correct way is “poo-ket”), it all spells the same thing - a place I really did not want to be for very long.

To be fair, nobody was in a particularly good mood. The weather turned sour two weeks ago, and the winter sun paradise that brings thousands of package tourists to Phuket snuck off with a hooker, leaving a muggy, overcast, drizzle-spit rain in its stead. The legendary white sands and blue waters were now gray and limey green, and without the sun to justify it’s existence, it’s hard not to see Phuket for what it is; an overcrowded, overpriced mess of a beach town, saturated with resort hotels and middle-aged men chasing scantily-clad Thai ladyboys to boorish music and the rabbit-stares of loved-up honeymooners. The tuk-tuk drivers, tailors, curio vendors, menu-peddlers and hookers are aggressive to the point of violent. As if it’s a point of pride, T-Shirts are for sale that boldly states: “I don’t want your damn tuk-tuk, tailor or menu, now piss off!” There seemed to be an edge of desperation, from the locals craving tourist dollars in high season, to the tourists craving the best time possible from their two weeks off before heading home to freezing European winters and dry Australian summers. And just in case you were wondering, Sweden and Norway are just as capable as producing inconsiderate white trash as anywhere else (although some of the Australian specimens on display definitely belonged within the petri dish of disturbing culture).

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