A Catch-22 in the Urban Jungle

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The Batu Caves is a sacred Hindu Temple in a large limestone cave on the outskirts of KL. It is guarded by an enormous golden statue of Murugan, the second son of Shiva, and also the largest freestanding Hindu statue in the world. Every year, during the festival of Thaipoosam, up to a million people come here to make personal vows of devotion. Climbing up the 272 steps, past curious monkeys, I entered the cave to the sound of Hindi music and the smell of incense. Before I could proceed, I had to take a photo with giant iguana, because it was there. Into the cave, I stood beneath a massive ceiling of rock with a round opening towards the back. The sun was directly overhead, beaming it’s light through the hole like a spotlight in a theatre. It was quite breathtaking, and longs breaths too, because the smell of guano can be overwhelming. Back at the bottom, I drank the milk of a young coconut as Mr Khabir explained why, during the festival, Indian men pierce long spears through their cheeks and climb the stairs, or plant hooks in their backs and drag carriages. Who can blame some people for getting creative in their exhibition of faith?

And Now, A Short Discourse on Buffets
If I were dreaming, and I were on Oprah, Oprah would raise her eyebrows, look all earnest, and then ask me what my favourite type of food is. I’d say:
“Well, Oprah, buffets of course!” and then everyone would start laughing and applauding like I’m a genius and three semi-naked women would join me on the couch and Oprah would morph into Tyra Banks, because this is a dream and not real life. But the buffet thing still stands.

The courts of King Louis never experienced the variety and culinary delight that the common peasant, like myself, can have with a good hotel buffet. It’s all about variety, and the trick is to taste just a little bit of everything, rather than going for the jugular of one main dish. How bland a meal becomes when there is just one dish on the plate! Epicurious? Tonight I cashed in my meal voucher for the hotel buffet, an Eastern theme, and this is what I ate: Vegetable samosas, stuffed eggplant, smoked salmon, dolmades, feta spinach pies, olives (black and green), stuffed tomatoes, oysters (freshly shucked), mussels, salad (customized, with pine nuts), cheese pastry (with chutney), Persian roast potato, spicy lamb sausage, Arabic lamb stew, Persian lamb stew, Shish kebab (chicken, beef and lamb), Dubai beef stew, Moroccan roast chicken, Arabic chicken Briyani, papadums, chocolate fountain fondue (strawberries), pistachio fondue, coconut caramel, and pistachio coffee cheese cake. This constituted about 75% of the food (and about 35% of the dessert) on offer, but I was getting kind of full. That’s 24 items, spread out over five plates, combined into a smorgasbord of my choosing. All for one low price of whatever the hell it cost. I heart buffets. As a traveller, it stands to reason that I’m a variety freak. While I have the ahi-tuna rare opportunity to enjoy it, buffets of the world, be afraid.

Travel Tips from Mr. Khabir
1. If stung by a scorpion, apply ammonia (smelling salts), which will neutralize the poison immediately. They can also help revive you should pass out due to fear.
2. When trekking through the jungle, avoid leeches by applying Tiger Balm on your shoes, feet and legs immediately before you set off. Not only is it waterproof, it is healthier than spraying on Baygon Bug Spray, which also works.
3. When buying fresh fish, check to see the redness under the gills. The redder it is, the fresher the fish. Anything over six hours old is unacceptable.
4. Fireflies are best enjoyed without a motorized boat.

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